- I don’t think it’s too much to ask family visiting after plane travel to take Covid tests and avoid big crowds while they are here. Being in your freshly postpartum space should be a privilege, and it’s ok to ask for what you need to feel good about it. You also will most likely want to keep those visits short as the social interaction can feel really exhausting after you’ve been through the hard work of giving birth and taking care of a baby in its first weeks of life.
- I asked my husband and parents to get the TDap before I gave birth. That’s important. And easy to do.
- We had everyone wear masks for the first month while visiting, especially with close contact / holding the newborn... and they were all fine with it - because everyone knew it was for the health and safety of the baby!!!!
- With our first in 2019, we had tons of visitors in the first month or two. Family stayed a few days. When friends came it was for an hour or two. All the family got their tdap and flu vaccine if they were due for one. We had winter babies, so those things were more likely to be circulating that time of year.
- With my 3rd, my ob also recommended the TDAP vaccine for anyone who would be spending significant time with the baby. I asked my parents and siblings to get them (or confirm they were up to date) and they did.
- [NOTE- sometimes it’s easier to ask for these accommodations if you accompany the request with “my doctor said…” to add some extra heft to your request.]
- If I were you I’d try and approach this baby as if it’s your second child. When you have a second child, they are exposed to so many germs from the older sibling. You can’t prevent that by locking up your eldest. You just have to take sane precautions and trust that everything will be ok (I’m thinking washing hands before we touch the baby, teaching your eldest child not to touch the babies face etc). So you can have the same rules for the grandparents.
Your mental health matters too! Visits from friends and family are important, if the circumstances are right…
- I personally decided that family and friends were crucial for my mental health and they could still be around the baby safely. But everyone needs to make a personal decision that is best for them.
- My second baby was born this past October during sick season except we couldn’t isolate our way out of it because our new baby had a big brother in preschool who tested positive for RSV 2 days before I went into labor for a homebirth. The first time big brother met baby sister, he coughed right in her face. We did our best but there is only so much you can do in a situation like that and by some miracle, the baby never got sick. We also welcomed visitors who brought us meals, talked with us, marveled over how cute the baby was and told us we were doing an amazing job navigating this new family of 4 thing! It made a world of difference being able to share this incredibly short and sweet moment of life with our close family and friends and the postpartum experience was night and day compared to how lonely we felt when our son was born. Of course we followed common sense hygiene rules like hand washing and checking in about any big or small sighs of illness before people came into our space. That along with the magic of breastfeeding was enough for us.
- You can also remember that many new babies come home to a house with multiple germy older siblings, so this baby already has a big advantage in that way!
- Having people around felt so critical for my well being postpartum, and I wanted to share the wonder of this tiny new person! Common sense precautions like washing hands and only visiting when feeling well were sufficient. FWIW, my son was also a bit of a preemie (36 weeks), and spent a brief time in the nicu, and I still had plenty of visitors.
Some suggestions on timing…
- At six weeks or so when they get more fun might be better for everyone. You’ve bonded and gotten your sea legs, and you’re in a rhythm/groove.
- The first six weeks or so can be full of sleep deprivation and overwhelm, and having extra people there can add to the stress. So I would say above all else do what is best for you.
It’s okay to say no…
- I had relatives visiting from the West Coast who were staying in Pennsylvania and were pressuring me to meet them halfway at a turnpike rest stop with my baby who had just been released from a 2 month NICU stay after an early birth. I held firm that I didn’t want to put my son through a long drive and potentially expose him to whatever germs there might be at the rest stop. They got mad at me, but got it over and your family will too if you change you mind on the timeline for visitors. If it helps, deflect the blame by saying your pediatrician advised you to wait given COVID, etc.
- There was a new mom I talked to who had her mother come to visit after the baby was born. After a few days she had to ask her mother to leave. It was just too much. (They are fine by the way— grandma knew she was too much).
Some people cautioned to welcome visitors who could SUBTRACT from your work rather than ADD to it…
- Definitely having family and friends come to visit is awesome and can be super helpful, but just be mindful of how much extra work it is on top of a huge life-changing event.
- I would limit visits to those people who will be helpful for you rather than those who will create more work. For those who are less helpful, short visits of a couple of hours or less are best.
- My mother stayed for several weeks after the birth of each of my 3 children and it was a blessing as she cooked, cleaned, shopped, held the baby, changed diapers, bathed, cared for the big sisters and cared for me. But only you know if the visits will be helpful.
- If you do end up having visitors - especially family, don't be afraid to ask them to help! Let them visit with the baby while you take a name - or have them take baby out for a walk while you rest or shower.
- You know your family and how helpful they might be. It helps if you can tell them what you'd like them to do. It could be meals, dishes, washing bottles, pump parts, etc. Grandparents aren't good mind readers.
- If you do have family, come, please have a list of things that they can do to keep themselves busy. Birthing moms need to have a lot of rest, and if you’re like me, you’ll try to entertain any guests rather than resting. And making lists now means you won’t be managing one more person, or people, when the baby comes, I think there’s a list on the Park Slope Parents website. [editor’s note- it’s here!]
- Yes, how helpful people can be varies widely. My dad is not very helpful. He wants to be, but has no idea what to do. So I knew that his "help" would be tiny bits of holding a newborn. However that bonding time of my parents being there when the baby was 6 days old was pretty special to me. My parents were so in love with the baby and it was great. It was a bit more work for me, because they still needed my help to figure out NYC, etc. So it was good that the visit wasn't too many days. Getting the hang of nursing was a challenge with them around, but we worked it out. I took the baby in my room for some skin to skin time when I needed to.
- During the first couple of months, anyone who is going to be in your home should 1-be someone whose company you really enjoy, 2-help and 3-be independent. You need to rest and heal, focus on your baby, be able to have intimate moments with your partner, and comfortably cry. So I would only limit visits to those who check all those boxes. The rest can wait. Just tell them that you want to enjoy their company and that this will likely happen in a month or two, when you are rested. In the meantime, you can have many zoomcalls and share many videos of the new baby.
Above all, make the choice that feels most comfortable for you and your new baby!
- I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here. It's up to your desires and risk tolerance. If people were sick, I would not want them around a brand new baby that hasn't had vaccines yet. Otherwise, I thought it was great and fun to introduce them to their new family member in those first few weeks. We weren't doing much except sitting around at home anyway, so it also was a good way to break up the days.
- Don’t let yourself be pressured by the expectations of relatives. Do what will let you enjoy this time leading up to your baby’s arrival and the time for several weeks after birth while you adjust to being a new mom.
Enjoy those sweet first weeks. They go in the blink of an eye.
