Park Slope Parents Summer of Independence Resource Package!

Categories:: Latest Newsflash Summer Fun

This resource package was created for the Summer of Independence webinar with Let Grow. A recording of a webinar on why independence is important for our kids' mental health is available HERE.

Peter Gray, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology once said, "Since about 1955 ... children's free play has been continually declining, at least partly because adults have exerted ever-increasing control over children's activities."

Kids don't need a scheduled summer full of instruction. They need freedom to explore, play, and do things without adults calling the shots! Here’s help in making that happen.

This resource guide is designed to help you do just that. With ways to deal with your own anxiety, your kids’ anxiety, and ideas to help your child be more independent and have more responsibility, by the end of the summer you’ll see your children have more self-efficacy, more self-confidence, more agency, and ultimately, happier kids and adults.

We have been conditioned to feel like we are TOTALLY responsible for each and every outcome our child has (from what we eat when pregnant to getting them into a great college) and that we need experts to tell us how to raise our kids. (See Nancy McDermott’s “The Problem with Parenting” book to assuage any guilt you might have about being an anxious parent. Media, marketing, and “experts” are all about feeding you the message “you can’t be a good parent without all our help.” Buy this to develop your child’s brain, say that to keep from traumatizing them, beware of ____ fill in all the scary things the news tells you— enough already! We are here to tell you that giving your children agency and independence is necessary for your child’s growth!

PARENTS TO DO LIST:

Follow LetGrow on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.

Lots of great ideas for helping your kid’s become more independent

Sign a Let Grow Pledge of Independence for parents and kids. You’ll get 10 weeks of simple steps to help your child become more independent. It also gets you and your child on the same page.

Print out the Kid License

See this recent LetGrow article explaining why a license would have helped support a child’s independence.

Download the LetGrow Independence Kit

Help organize a Let Grow Play Club at your school.

It’s a new kind of play program. The Club is the brainchild of Let Grow co-founder Dr. Peter Gray, the eminent psychologist who has spent his life studying the crucial role of unstructured, mixed-age “free play” in developing children’s creativity, confidence, and ability to thrive.

Managing your own fears of safety

Check out the facts and research on the LetGrow website. Chances of some nefarious stranger taking your child are almost nil. It sells papers, eyeballs, and gets you to click, but these things are overwhelmingly exaggerated by the media.
“Know that our culture underestimates what kids can do and overestimates danger” Lenore Skenazy
Watching your kids succeed will help you be less anxious
Watch your language, because it can be putting your anxiety on your children

Practice Observing rather than Commenting….

Here’s an idea that might be new to you. YOU CAN SAY NOTHING when your child is involved in an activity. Do you need to help them? Do you need to encourage? Do you need to comment? Do you need to reinforce? Are you actually managing your safety fears by micromanaging? When you provide unnecessary help you can inadvertently create dependence. You may be sending the message that your child is incapable.

How about you sit back and just watch, at a distance, instead? That way their play is self-directed and they stop looking to you for reinforcement and feedback for an accomplishment. Provide the space for kids to play INDEPENDENTLY, without you. This will give your child the opportunity to succeed and build confidence without you.

If you absolutely have to, get your child a tracking watch….
Know that they might _______
- Fail at a task
- Get a few bumps and scrapes

However, when you help foster your child’s independence they will LEARN, GROW, AND BECOME MORE RESILIENT

Managing your kids’ fears and clinginess

Practice baby steps– give them little ways to help and be independent. Give them chores (see below) to make them feel like “big kids” and give them more time for independent play.
Let them hear your ENCOURAGEMENT rather than your Fear

ANOTHER RESOURCE: Managing your Kids’ Distress Webinar with Small Brooklyn Psychology on Managing Your Kids' Distress...and Yours, aimed at helping you to:

Understand how kids can better tolerate uncertainty and distress
Learn concrete tools to help kids cope
Know when to help and when to step back
Differentiate normal stress from anxiety issues that need to be addressed
Recognize warning signs for bigger crises

Among many other topics, Olga Fuller, PhD, discussed common paradigms that parents fall into, including overprotection (the "helicopter parent") and accommodation (the "snow plow parent").

Watch the full recording here!

How to let your kid truly PLAY by giving them unstructured time (See Julie Lythcott-Haims book, How to Raise an Adult for more on this.)

Value Play – it’s super important, and in many ways more important than structuring their lives!
Create space between you and your kids–stop overshadowing and “Helping” them (grab a bench)
Know your kid(s) and their limit(s), but push those limits too. If you’ve raised a child that has heard, “be careful” a lot, you may need to push them to do more activities independently.
Have tech boundaries (for yourself too!)
Create community around play*
- Get a Let Grow Play Club at your child’s school
Offer the right materials that foster imagination (Lego “sets” don’t count)
Let your kid(s) decide how and what to play
Resist commenting on each and every thing they do! (Just stop already!)
Wince but don’t pounce– There will be bumps and bruises
Change your attitude that they have to have something STRUCTURED to do!
CHANGE the culture of “gotta be busy on some ‘developmental’ activity"
Get Inspired– Go to The Yard at Govenor’s Island
Have technology to connect, but make it less smart
Model PLAY & FUN– craft, tinker, practice guitar, in front of your kids!

**COMMUNITY*

Develop “Free Play” times with classmates and friends instead of structured classes
Have birthday parties that are all about PLAY instead of ______ (painting parties, build-a-bear, chuck-e-cheese, cupcake decorating, hiring a magician). You can save money too. If it IS an “experience” party, make it about the kids playing (e.g., escape room just with kids, no adults.)
PSP Free Range Kids Chat - join the chat with like minded parents where you can plan playdates and share tips and tricks for more freedom.
Combine forces on Technology. Having ways to know where kids are may make it easier for you to give them freedom, but maybe start with walkie talkies, watches rather than smart phones. Wait Until 8th is a resource that helps parents band together to wait to get their kids a smart phone.

What’s a child to do?

Only you know what your child is capable of doing. One 9 year old might be old enough to ride the subway, while another isn’t. Here are ideas of things that kids can do (based on their maturity level). Have a conversation with your kids about this list. Are there things feel comfortable doing already? Are there things they are reluctant to do YET? Highlight the things they are ready to do on their own and spend the summer fostering their independence!

Venturing Out Alone

Run an errand
Write a letter and mail it at the post office
Go into the woods at Prospect Park
Cross a busy street
Walk a mile
Take a bus, train, or ferry
Make a shopping list and shop
Take the Subway somewhere
Go to the YARD at Govenor's Island
Visit a relative on your own

Being Responsible

Take your younger siblings to the park/library/activities/subway
Walk the dog or a neighbor's dog
Pet sit for a friend/neighbor
Make a meal
Take out the trash
Make breakfast for the family
Babysit/ be a family helper
Do the Laundry
Make your own lunch for at least a week
Do the lunch thing for your siblings, too
Make your own haircut appointment

Fun Alone time

Jump rope
Take pictures on a walk and make a video of it
Go outside and watch the sunrise
Go on a Random Walk
Bake something delicious (including putting it in the oven)
Bring some of that delicious thing to your neighbors.

Money Making

Mow your lawn or, $$ for neighbors’ lawns
Wash the car or someone else's car
Organize a stoop sale or garage sale
Lemonade stand

Summer Fun

A note about playing outside….

Instead of going to a playground, take some friends and go to more nature parts of Prospect Park.

1 - Zucker Natural Exploration Area

2 - Boulder Bridge

3 - Ravine

4 - The Peninsula

*These are open areas in Prospect Park where kids can explore and make their own fun rather than play on playgrounds.

Go to The Yard - Adventure Playground at Govenor’s Island

Will Kids Get Hurt? They might!

All kids have the potential to get hurt when playing– especially when they go beyond the sanitized playgrounds designed to keep cities from being sued for injuries. Here are some pointers to keep in mind:

Know your kids. If they are not physically able (yet) to do something, you may need to keep them safe. Obviously step in if a child is in imminent danger, but watch yourself – things that you might have been allowed to do (and did successfully) are probably fine to let your kids do as well.
Teach your child to check in with their bodies. Does your body feel safe? Do your feet feel grounded? Doing things that are a little bit risky help them learn.
If they do get hurt, don’t over dramatize. Be on hand with water or a bandaid. Also don’t scold or harp on about safety. When they are hurt is not a time to lecture about why something wasn’t safe.
Redirect if necessary. If they are going up too steep a hill, redirect them to one that is a little flatter. Baby steps!

Skinned knees, trips and falls, bumps, and bruises are all ingredients to a child knowing more about their body and its limits, and feeling more independent.

Benefits of Risky Play

Self-Confidence.
Resilience
Improved memory (and body memory)
Less anxiety the next time!
Time managment skills
Self-regulation
Self-control
Increased ability to assess risk

A note about babysitters and nannies…

Babysitters and nannies are hired to watch and protect kids. Full-time nannies especially feel like one false move with their children could result in losing their job. As such, they typically feel a lot of responsibility for staying close and keeping an ever present eye on the kids they are taking care of. However, having a paid entertainer and hovering presence is not conducive to giving your child the skills to play by themselves. Having a nanny who isn’t overseeing the children as they pick flowers from a community garden, however, is not okay. Living in the city requires a lot more oversight of public spaces than sending kids out in the backyard to play. If you want your kids to play independently and entertain themselves, you’ll need to give paid caregivers the permission to stay back and not hover.

TEACHING KIDS HOW TO BE INDEPENDENT

I highly recommend the book, “How to Raise an Adult" by Julie Lythcott-Haims. It gives parents a lot of reasons to stop doing so much for kids. She describes a four-step strategy for teaching life skills: 1) first we do it for kids, 2) then we do it with kids, 3) then we watch kids do it, and 4) then kids do it completely independently. Julie acknowledges that the third and fourth steps are often the most difficult for parents to carry out, and require an enormous leap of faith. This is one of the most important steps, however.

@our.mama.guide discusses this in terms of “How to be a Person” Camp.

CHORES (START ‘em YOUNG!)

Beyond teaching some life skills, Michaleen Doucleff describes the importance of contributing to the family (and, by extension) the community in her book “Hunt, Gather, Parent.” Chores are one way of allowing kids to contribute to the goings on of the family. There are some rules around having your kids do chores, though, including, being okay with kids not (yet) being competent, working as a collaborative team member rather than as a manager, and being okay if it takes more time to get things done.

A List of Age-Appropriate Chores for Kids 2 to 18

“Chores teach children valuable life skills and instill a sense of pride in their accomplishments. When they see what they can achieve through their own efforts, they believe in their own abilities." — Dr. Laura Markham, clinical psychologist

PSP Website article about paying for chores.

See Thich Nhat Hahn’s Peace is Every Step about finding joy in mundane chores.

Guidelines

Give the chores value and help kids see that their help contributes to the family
Don’t hover and micro-manage
Let them make mistakes and learn from them

Make if more fun:

Play music while you’re doing chores
Set a timer
Putting the chores in a jar to make it more of a surprise.

Age specific chores (Start young, Kids always love to help)

2-3 Year Old Chores

Picking up toys and books
Putting laundry into hamper
Cleaning spills and messes

4-5 Years Old Chores

Assist in sorting laundry
Putting away groceries
Clean room

7-8 Year Old Chores

Sweeping and mopping
Taking out the trash
Making their own snacks
Aiding in the Garden

9-12 Year Old Chores

Making their own breakfast/lunch
Folding & Putting away laundry
Cleaning smaller areas of the bathroom
Meal prep(smaller meals)

12+

Wash dishes & put them away
Prepare & Deliver meals
Going grocery shopping
Ironing clothes

PRE-COLLEGE– Does your child know how to:

-save up to purchase something

-cook eggs

-set a goal & create a deadline

-clean off the kitchen counter

-pay a bill

-make a doctor’s appointment

-how to mail a package

-call a grandparent

-write a letter & address an envelope, mail it

-do something nice for someone who's sad

-be bored

-check out a book at the library

SUCCESS STORIES

LIFE SKILLS

Check out this PSP list of Life Skills to know before you’re 20 list.

Things to know how to do before college:

https://www.collegeraptor.com/find-colleges/articles/tips-tools-advice/43-life-skills-know-college/

MONEY (stay tuned for more here)

Teach kids what things cost and about money early on.
Give kids an allowance

CASE STUDY IN INDEPENDENCE

A 14 year old middle schooler was hoping to go to the movies with a friend. In order to get permission, she created a powerpoint presentation covering all of her parents’ worries around her taking the bus during the afternoon. She spelled out all of the concerns and how her plan would address these concerns. In this case, her grandparents also helped her secure some independence since they pointed to the freedom that they gave their son.

Some Instagram posts I liked that reinforced the information above!

Download your own copy of the Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto.