So I don't know if you've seen the video Sh*T New Yorkers Say, but it's pretty funny (here it is if you haven't seen it: http://youtu.be/yRvJylbSg7o). Actually-- there are a ton of different themed videos floating around (girlfriends say, guys don't say out loud, hipsters say, people say on Facebook etc.). I'd love to see a video called "Sh*t THOSE Park Slope Parents say"-- things like "sorry, can't; doing child care shift at the Co-Op," or "meet you at the Mommy and Me yoga class" or "How do you know it was a boy's hat?", "__" (fill in the blank). Anyone have any ideas?
[All of these things should be said loudly, so as to be overheard actively parenting]:
Honeyyyyy? Do you want the organic veggie booty or the pirate booty?
Now, sweetie, mommy doesn't like it when you kick and scream. Can we use our indoor voice?
C'mon, [name], we have to share
That's right, sweetie. Polar bears ARE an animal we need to protect.
No, honey, those blueberries aren't organic.
"Another burger place on 7th ave?"
"I met so and so at my mommy group" (i.e. - PSP mommy group)
"I don't get to Manhattan much anymore."
"I won't go to Starbucks."
"Meet me at Starbucks?"
"God I wish we had a Gap."
"Have you started thinking about middle school?"
"Did you hear what's going into that [name empty storefront]?"
"I'm starting to cook more quinoa."
"I can't believe you're giving your baby a bottle."
"You really should join the co-op."
"I take my dog everywhere!"
"He doesn't eat anything refined'
"Oh, she's exclusively breast fed"
"We love co-sleeping, it's so much better for the OUR family"
"Does this Che t-shirt come in size x-small?"
"Oh thank you, but Willow, Wednesday, Wisteria...doesn't eat cheerios."
And this out of my own mouth to my 6 year old: "Sweetie, have you ever had a hamburger?"
My personal favorite:
"What do you mean you DON"T belong to the coop????"
This was actually said to me recently:
"You let your son play tackle football?? Don't you know that is dangerous and only good for kids who don't do well academically in school? What? he has a 95 average in middle school? that can't be, he plays tackle football!"
>>>>you just can't make this stuff up, lol!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
They won't even drop their 8 year old off alone in the playground- total HELICOPTER PARENTS! That poor kid'll be anxious for life."
We don't have a car.
Where's the car?
Zipcar is always booked.
We haven't had a car since 2003.
*Where* did I put the car?
We just use Zipcar.
Is that car seat easy to install?
[on phone, desperately looking] honey, did we park on 7th at 6th ave, or 6th at 7th ave??
All possibly interspersed with shots of a parent struggling to install a carseat in a car service car....
I would add,
"is the car on the Tuesday side?"
"these people from Manhattan don't know how to park!"
"I found a pair of Birks, a Jonathan Franzen novel and a yogurt maker on the way back from the subway"
and from my kids:
"not another wooden puppet store!"
How did the preschool interview go?
From a kid: Do they have red bean ice cream?
"I just bought a Bumper Badger for our Outback."
What preschool does he go to?
She Doesn't go to preschool?
Did i just hear formula?
what zone are you in?
ps10 is the new 321
"I made all of my son's baby food"
"we only bring fruit to playdates"
"we only have wooden toys at our home"
"my child will never play with toy guns"
"a child needs to experiment with power using gun play"
"i don't believe in princesses I want strong role models for our girls"
- No, I am not the Nanny.
- No, he is not adopted.
- My baby is 3 days old: when is pre-K admission? How about G&T testing? (And does Joyce have any advice?!)
- He's not allowed to have juice, it's full of lead.
- Is that still in District 15? What the zoned school?
- There's a waitlist for K at our zoned school; I've heard it's because of all those families with twins.
- Wow, is this salad fresh from the cold frame in your backyard?
- Our blind, incontinent, toothless, three-legged dog? He was rescued from a shelter, of course. We would never buy a dog from one of those puppy mills.
- We were priced out of the Slope. / I wished we lived in Park Slope. / I hate Park Slope.
- We live in South Slope, please don't call it Sunset Park.
- We never go the Pavillion, they have bedbugs.
- "We" certainly don't have bedbugs, but I "heard" about a "family" that "did."
I think my favorite has to be when someone on the playground asked if my one-year-old son's blonde hair was natural. Really?
"What do you mean I can't bring my baby/toddler to Happy Hour?"
"Premier Pediatrics or Tribeca Pediatrics?"
And my favorite, sad & hopefully, didn't turn out to be true -
"I think my Nanny is drinking the cognac!"
"We're getting him evaluated."
"He has OT, speech therapy, and Chinese class this week."
"Throwing sand? Have you thought about getting him evaluated?"
"She's all about early intervention."
"She refuses to get him evaluated."
"Still not walking and he's 23 months? Get him evaluated."
"Play therapy really helped little Henry control his sand-throwing urges."
"We had him evaluated and they said he was developing normally. Now what are we supposed to do?"
"shit native park slopers say..."
"attachment parenting? f*ck that!"
Heard uttered between a mother and father as they walk into a restaurant with a baby and a toddler, "Let's go somewhere else. There are too many kids here."
Well I have to confess that this one comes from yours truly. I didn't say it, but I thought it
"Ugh, I'm so annoyed that they don't sell freekeh at Union Market"
"You let your kid eat artificial colors? Don't you know that causes ADHD!?"
"I only buy my baby wooden toys"
"We're on the Paleo Diet so please don't give Ariadne anything with grains in it"
"I don't buy any new clothes for my child. I only shop at LuLu's Then & Now & Monk's Trunk"
"We don't have a stroller... we use a wrap"
Special newborn twins edition:
"Are they natural?"
"Did you have 'help'?"
"Did you have them naturally?"
"Are you breastfeeding them?"
"I always wished I were a twin!"
"Oh my God. I was terrified that I'd have twins."
I wish I'd had the presence of mind to say just once "I don't know if they're 'natural', but look how lifelike they are!"
Special, when your child is the only blonde in the family, edition:
- Oh, he looks nothing like you!
- I just can't believe how blonde he is!
- He looks just like my husband, not yours!
- What beautiful eyes! What beautiful blonde hair! - (When our brown-eyed, brown-haired son is standing right next to the blonde, blue-eyed one!)
- Are you sure he's yours?
- He must be the mailman's son!
- Who's son is he?
- Is that your son? (From a parent in my older son's class who saw me with the baby in the Ergo EVERY morning and afternoon!!!)
- Are you his mother?
- He looks nothing like his brother! - (When, in fact, he looks very much like his brother, just a different shade!!!)
1. "Zach, you're doing such a GREAT job with that blowtorch, but your sister needs her eyes and eyebrows. Can you stop, okay? If you stop, we'll give you ALL the Star Wars accessories you've wanted. Okay? Okaaaaayyyy, sweetie pie? Okay. In two more minutes, you need to stop. . . ."
2. "I'm planning an underespresso birth at Cafe Grumpy."
3. "Which prenatal Mandarin class to you attend?"
4. "I knitted this Tibetan-inspired placenta pouch from my Siberian Husky's undercoat."
5. "This is an emergency! We have five unscheduled minutes and are TOTALLY freaking out! Does anyone know of a downtime iPhone app suitable for a very precocious eighteen-month-old? Preferably something totally cool-yet-enriching that I can post on Facebook? Thanks in advance, and please HURRY!"
You use artificial sweeteners?!!!
We are a TV free household
It's great that my kids school doesn't teach reading...creativity is sooo important
Also, the unspoken language:
T-shirt on toddler: "Impeach Bush"
"Actually, she's a girl."
"Actually, he's a boy."
"Do you have a kids menu?"
"No, we don't want to see the kids menu."
[At BareBurger] "I see that you serve organic, pasture-fed meat, but was it happy?"
"we're not sharing our child's gender"'
"We don't use the word 'No' in our house."
"Alfalfa can't come to Fitzherbert's party; she's prepping for her preschool admission playdate that day."
"Swear to me, Harpsichord, that if you so much as smell a cookie at that playdate that you will call mommy and mommy will come get you."
"I'm going to sell my birthing pool/nursing bra/maternity panties on PSP."
This is like the gift that never stops giving. Makes me laugh everytime. I remember when I was a Park Slope resident but not a parent and got this response about a evening dinner date
"So sorry we are so exhausted, we just started ferberizing our son"
I had no idea what they heck they were talking about but didn't want to ask.
Well, it's not exactly the same, but it's worth looking at "Sh*t Crunchy Mamas Say": http://bit.ly/wCGoFo
Apparently this one is the real deal:
Sh*t Native New Yorkers Say: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EAkfVw8PFE