Primal Ice Cream

As the creators of the smash-hit YouTube video "Sh*t Park Slope Parents Say," and thus the voice of those rare few in Park Slope that are raising children, we feel an obligation to clarify the official Park Slope Parents position regarding the banning of ice cream from said Park.


Please be assured that we in no way object to the sale of ice cream in Prospect Park, as long as:


-The milk and cream are from organically-fed and hormone-free dairy cows raised within 50 miles of Brooklyn in barns built of reconstituted plastic bottles (in the shape and color of actual wood, so as not to frighten the cows with unfamiliar architecture). Milk should be removed from the cows in a nurturing and supportive manner.


-The eggs, if any, are from free-range chickens specifically labeled "Certified Humane." (For please note that "cage-free" does not necessarily mean that their beaks have not been removed; note also that the best ice cream recipes do include egg.)


-Transportation of these ingredients should take place only in compost-fueled vehicles, through companies that voluntarily provide family health insurance, including birth control, to all employees including those in same-sex relationships.


--Needless to say this ice cream should not contain any dyes or additives linked to ADHD. Any other acceptable additives must be labelled either "Israeli-Friendly" or "Palestinian-Friendly" so Co-Op members are able to make an informed consumer choice..


Ice cream vendors that follow these simple guidelines are welcomed-- nay, encouraged!-- within Prospect Park, with the exception of a few specific areas:


Our objection is to the vendors that sell the ice cream within the borders of the playgrounds.


Our children are very often using their playground-time to prepare for their preschool entrance interviews, and thus any distractions have a direct and negative impact on their future.


At least that's what our Nannies tell us.


-Soren Kisiel and Katie Goodman

Park Slope Parents