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Afraid of Dying

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Parent Category: Values/Religion
Category: Dealing with Death

4 year old afraid of dying

 

QUESTION

HELP!!! I need advice on how to address questions about death. My 4 year old son is absolutely terrified of dying or having a loved one die. We went from generic questions about death ("do all things die?" "Why??"), to "when am I going to die?" (he really wants a specific date), to nightmares from which he wakes up crying that he does not want to die. We have not had a recent death in our family, and I think he is a little young to be plagued with such angst. This all began with a book about dinosaurs, and the fact that they are no longer with us. Any advice? We are generally not a religious family, so talk of heaven is not really an answer. I apologize for the long email, and also if this has been covered before.

ANSWER

I have had this discussion with many mothers. It is my opinion that children are almost hard wired to start thinking/obsessing about death and mortality at about the age of 4. Both of my kids did it and most of my friend's children as well. Whether or not they had person experience with death, (Pet, grandparent, etc.) boys and girls, they all did it.

First of all, it is totally normal. Secondly, all of the advice I read about helping a child with grieving for the death of a loved one (My mother-in-law died when my oldest son was 3) said to answer questions truthfully and matter of fact. Whatever that means to you. For me it was; Everything that is alive eventually dies but usually not until it is very old and has lived a long meaningful life. (not 100% accurate but served the purpose for this particular discussion) I think the idea is to discuss it openly to de-mystify the concept of death because their fear is of the unknown. At a certain point, my kids were satisfied with their understanding of the subject and moved on to the next life mystery. At first it felt morbid talking about death, specifically grandma's, so matter of fact but once I got past that, it really helped my kids.