How To Talk To Kids About Death: Overview

• 
• 

Details

Parent Category: Newsflashes

Category: Newsflash

This is an overview from the 2018 talk, "How To Talk with Kids About Death" Park Slope Parents and Green-wood Cemetery co-sponsored. 

Presenters:

Amy Cunningham The Inspired Funeral

Liana Smith-Murphy, play, child and adolescent therapist at BrooklynPlayTherapy.com

Age appropriate honesty is important. Kids know more than we think they do. If you’re not honest kids can come up with fantasized explanations of death (“I made grandma get sick and die”). Using concrete things like “X has died. Their body is no longer working” (rather than “Nana is ‘sleeping’” which can freak young kids out and lead to, “when is she going to wake up?”). You can also talk about your beliefs: “Our family believes that after someone dies you go to heaven.”

Let kids ask questions. Many adults have issues about talking about death so kids can believe it’s not okay to talk about being sad or the death. Everyone experiences death differently.

Ask kids questions and listen. “What do you think happens when you die?” “How are you feeling?” Know that sadness, anger and maybe relief are natural emotions to be feeling.

Any child old enough to love is old enough to grieve. Grieving is not a pathology that we need to “fix.” There are ebbs and flows in grieving. Also know that kids (young kids especially) can’t take a lot of intense sadness at once. If they seem really sad but then seem to be happy, that’s normal. If kids are running around laughing at the funeral remember—they’re just kids! Oh, and don’t assume that the death of a pet isn’t as upsetting as the death of a person.

How does age effect how kids deal with death? Of course it depends on the child, but generally…

• Kids under 7 don’t understand the permanence of death; they are egocentric and full of magical thinking. Things like “grandpa has gone to heaven and will look down on us” can lead to “grandpa is always watching me.”
• Kids 9-12 or so have more awareness of death and can comprehend ideas about an afterlife.

Inform the kids’ school that there’s been a death and ask they can keep an eye on your child. Kids are sensitive to being “different” so may not want to talk about death with their friends, teachers or school counselors.

Letting kids get involved can help them process their grief. Don’t force them to help; offer but don’t push (follow their lead). Decorating the cremation box (which is cardboard), shovel soil into the grave, help spread the ashes, write letters to the deceased for the coffin or cremation box, or write a story/obituary about the deceased. If they want to look at an open casket that’s okay. Ask if they want to speak at the funeral (if appropriate).

Honor the dead with rituals

• Light a candle
• Do something special on the birthday of the deceased
• Make a memory box/scrapbook of their life that you can bring out during holidays
• Tell stories about the deceased to keep their memory alive

(Here are some other we've researched)

• Make their favorite meal
• Visit their grave and bring flowers
• Watch their favorite movie, read their favorite book, listen to their favorite music
• Plant a memorial tree, buy a memorial bench
• Keep an item of clothing that they have in your closet

Lean on others (friends, family, therapists) for your own grieving. If you are not okay you can’t be present for your kids. All of the things mentioned above can also help you (e.g., rituals, processing, etc.)

Here’s the Children’s Booklist by the National Home Funeral Alliance that has a bunch of different books that help explain death to kids of different ages. The book Milestones was one that the speakers mentioned specifically.

Friendly reminders about being responsible parents at bars/restaurants

• 
• 

Details

Parent Category: The Hood

Category: Managing Urban Life

In addition to being amazing places to eat, drink and make merry, our local restaurants and bars have a secondary task of keeping their establishments safe and healthy, not only for families but for all visitors. Recently a local establishment has tightened up their house rules for children. Given our interactions with businesses in the past we know that there are many attempts to work with families before deciding to establish “kid-friendly” hours and rules. We know that it only takes a few people’s behavior to cause these changes, and we want to remind you that there are many citywide rules and safety regulations (FDNY and Department of Health) imposed on bars and restaurants.  

Here’s the ask. We ask that you be extra-considerate and neighborly at our local bars and restaurants, where people may be looking for a break from kids (theirs, others’, both) and could conceivably mistake our children's fabulosity for excess.  Here are some guidelines, recommendations and rules from local bars and restaurants that we’ve heard from over the past 15 years. We feel that these rules should apply to ALL families patronizing restaurants and bars so that these establishments remain welcoming to families. If you feel we’re missing anything from the list below, shoot us an email at and we’ll add it to the list.

·        Children should be supervised at all times. Wait and bar staff are not de facto babysitters when parents are not paying attention.

• No climbing on the furniture, games, pool table, bocce ball court, etc.

• No changing diapers outside of the bathrooms. (This is a health issue and could result in hefty fines for a bar/restaurant. It’s also just uncouth).

• If you are waiting outside, please do your best to not block the sidewalks or doorways.

• If your child is screaming or crying for more than 30 seconds and cannot be consoled, please be considerate and remove them from the scene until they are calm.

• If your child is throwing food/drink/silverware onto the floor do your best to stop the behavior. Do not place the spoon they just threw on the floor back into reaching distance.

• No running, pushing or horseplay.

• Strollers must not block the front entrance or emergency exits. (This is a fire hazard and could lead to unsafe conditions as well as fines for a bar/restaurant)

• If you can come without a stroller please try to do so. Bringing strollers into businesses means less walking space for others; please be mindful of passageways.

• Do not let your child sit directly on the floor, inside or outside.

• Shoes and clothes must be worn at all times.

• Keep young children with you at your table rather than have an unsupervised “kids table.”

• Stay within arms reach of the kids you’re responsible for.

• Do your best to pick up after your kids if they make a giant mess.

• Do not leave dirty diapers in the bathroom garbage without first wrapping them up in something airtight. (Small spaces and dirty diapers do not go together.)

The overwhelming majority of our groups (especially our baby groups) have wonderful relationships with our local bars and restaurants. We want to do our best to ensure that these positive experiences continue. If you’re meeting up with your PSP group friends,  please buy something from the meet-up place, tip the baristas and wait-staff generously, pick up after yourselves, make sure you have everything you came with, and be the kind of people who management and staff want to welcome back.

Useful PSP reviews:

Kid Friendly Restaurants

Baby Friendly Meet Up Spots

Art for Good during Cervical Cancer Awareness Month

• 
• 

Details

Parent Category: About Park Slope Parents

Category: Events

What: Public art installation with a functional role in cervical cancer prevention
Where: Stone House, 5th Ave at 3rd St., Brooklyn
When: One day only, January 25, 2018, 12-8

Dr. Maggie Carpenter, founder of Go Doc Go, and Artist Ryan Cronin have found a beautiful intersection between art and medicine that empowers women, raises cervical cancer awareness, and challenges our current approach to healthcare in the United States. Maggie and Ryan first began working with one another through Cronin’s charitable fund 12 Months of Giving. The Fund supports the work of not for profits whose mission is to be agents of change, one of the key missions behind Go Doc Go’s work.

For the past five years Go Doc Go has focused its efforts on preventing cervical cancer in low and middle-income countries, but when the political climate in the United States shifted and the current administration put into motion an attack on women’s healthcare, Dr. Carpenter approached Cronin about collaborating to take action here in the States. Through a series of sit-downs the two conceived the idea of “The Box;” a public art piece that also acts as a privacy booth for women to self-swab a sample for HPV testing, allowing women to take their healthcare into their own hands. Traditionally cervical cancer screening has been done with a pap smear which required a doctor’s visit. Now HPV testing is an established alternative to pap smear screening in women 30-65. Studies have shown that women are capable of self-collecting their samples and the art installation will provide a safe, private place for women to do so.

Over the last twenty years as a physician, Dr. Carpenter has witnessed the multitude of barriers to health care. From the wall-like booths and windows on walking into a doctor’s office, to the long waits for both an appointment and in the provider’s office, it is a struggle for anyone to practice good self-care. Cronin embraced the opportunity to use art to make healthcare more inviting by intersecting the two.

Dr. Carpenter and Ingrid Frengle-Burke, FNP, the executive and assistant directors of Go Doc Go, will be onsite on January 25th, assisting women. They will be contacting women by phone to given them their results. The tests are being processed by bioreference laboratories at a reduced cost which will be paid by Go Doc Go if women do not have insurance. Any women with abnormal results will be referred for further evaluation locally.

The Stonehouse will be the first of many showings of the Art installation raising awareness about cervical cancer, challenging traditional approaches to healthcare, and preventing it by diagnosing HPV before it has time to become cancer. They invite the public to a part of this ground breaking approach to health care.

For inquiries please contact:
Dr. Maggie Carpenter 646-894-3089 or Melanie Cronin 845-430-8470